Sun-Soaked Shenanigans: Delightfully Offbeat Things to do in Puerto Vallarta

Essential Things To Do In Puerto Vallarta (Without Looking Like An Obvious Tourist)

Puerto Vallarta’s tourist infrastructure operates with the efficiency of a well-oiled machine, shuttling visitors between overpriced tequila tastings and predictable sunset cruises with assembly-line precision. But the city’s genuine appeal reveals itself to those willing to step off the conveyor belt of standardized experiences. Here’s where to find Puerto Vallarta’s soul without collecting the usual tourist merit badges.

Beach Life Beyond Resort Walls

Puerto Vallarta’s beaches range from the frantically energetic to the blissfully secluded. Playa Los Muertos, despite its morbid name (“Beach of the Dead”), pulses with more life than a cardiac unit. Beach vendors patrol with the precision timing of sitcom characters, appearing the exact moment your drink empties or your sunscreen runs low. Visit before 10am to experience a rare moment of tranquility and perhaps spot pelicans dive-bombing for breakfast.

For those seeking something less frenzied, Playa Conchas Chinas (“Shell Beach”) offers natural tide pools and clearer waters just south of the main beach. Meanwhile, Playa Mismaloya, where Burton and Taylor’s scandalous romance unfolded during filming, provides a historical backdrop for your own Instagram drama, minus the paparazzi and career-threatening publicity.

Beach economics in Puerto Vallarta operate on a sliding scale: chair rentals run $5-10 daily, while beach clubs demand minimum spends of $15-30 per person. But savvy travelers know that public beach access remains free, and bringing a $20 folding chair from a local store pays for itself faster than a college education.

The true beach connoisseur seeks out Colomitos, accessible only by boat or via a jungle hike that will leave you questioning your cardiovascular fitness. For $129, Las Caletas offers day-trippers access to the former home of film director John Huston – a secluded beach retreat where the only crowds are the schools of tropical fish visible through remarkably clear water.

The Malecón: Puerto Vallarta’s Living Room

The mile-long Malecón serves as Puerto Vallarta’s communal living room, where everyone gathers at sunset like moths to a particularly spectacular flame. This oceanfront promenade features quirky bronze sculptures that have endured more tourist selfies than a Times Square Elmo. “The Boy on the Seahorse” (La Caballera) stands as the unofficial mascot, subjected to more poses than a department store mannequin.

Tuesday evenings offer the free Papantla Flyers performance (5:30pm and 6:30pm shows), where fearless men spiral down from a 50-foot pole while tied by their ankles. It’s like watching Olympic diving combined with a trust exercise gone terribly wrong – and yet somehow, they survive night after night.

The Malecón’s food carts serve authentic late-night snacks that make resort buffets seem as exciting as hospital cafeterias. For $1-3, elote (Mexican street corn) slathered with mayo, cheese, chile, and lime delivers a flavor explosion that requires both napkins and possibly a change of shirt. Marquesitas – crispy cheese-filled crepes that somehow combine savory and sweet without causing a taste bud civil war – provide the perfect walking dessert.

Zona Romántica and Old Town Charm

The Zona Romántica, with its cobblestone streets and colonial architecture, manages to feel authentically Mexican despite sections that resemble “San Diego wearing a sombrero.” Gentrification has arrived bearing coffee shops and boutiques, but the neighborhood retains enough character to make you feel you’ve actually left the United States.

Walking tours run $20-25 per person, but self-guided exploration with Google Maps works equally well and leaves money for important cultural research (i.e., tacos). The Church of Our Lady of Guadalupe with its crown-topped tower provides the town’s most recognizable landmark and appears on more Puerto Vallarta postcards than sunsets and margaritas combined.

The Zona Romántica also stands as Mexico’s premier LGBTQ+ destination, earning its nickname as “Mexican Fire Island” – though with better food and cocktails at one-third the price ($4-6 versus the $15+ that would barely get you ice in American gay destinations). On weekend nights, the area vibrates with enough energy to power a small city.

For shopping beyond mass-produced trinkets, visit Isla Río Cuale market island, accessible by several pedestrian bridges. Here, haggling isn’t just accepted but expected, with prices starting 30-50% above their final landing point. Focus on hand-embroidered textiles and silver jewelry while avoiding anything featuring cartoon characters or phrases like “Puerto Vallarta: I came, I saw, I drank tequila.”

Outdoor Adventures Beyond Sunbathing

Banderas Bay hosts humpback whales from December through March, when these ocean giants arrive to mate and calve in what must be the world’s wettest singles scene. Ethical whale watching tours from operators like Vallarta Adventures ($89) maintain proper distance while providing meaningful encounters. Avoid bargain operators whose boats chase whales like paparazzi pursuing celebrities.

The Marietas Islands and their famous Hidden Beach (Playa del Amor) suffered from their own Instagram popularity, forcing authorities to limit daily visitors to just 116 people. Advance booking is essential for this $80-120 excursion, which involves swimming through a rock tunnel to reach a beach inside a crater – essentially the world’s most inconvenient shore access.

Los Arcos Marine Park offers snorkeling among tropical fish with 30-40 foot visibility during winter months. Tours range from basic $40 snorkel trips to $250+ luxury sailboat experiences that include enough food and drink to make swimming afterward inadvisable, if not dangerous.

The Sierra Madre jungle provides a playground for ziplines and ATV adventures. Canopy River offers 10 ziplines for $99, while El Edén combines tours with filming locations from the movie “Predator” for $120. These experiences allow you to scream through the jungle canopy at speeds that would earn tickets on American highways.

Food Worth Expanding Your Waistline For

Puerto Vallarta’s food scene ranges from street tacos to high gastronomy, with prices equally varied. Taco stands like Pancho’s Takos serve al pastor (typically $1-1.50 per taco) that would make a grown chef weep with joy. El Carboncito delivers authentic portions rather than the oversized “gringo versions” that seem designed for Americans who measure meal value by sheer tonnage.

The city’s farm-to-table movement has flourished, with restaurants like The Iguana and Café des Artistes offering prix fixe menus ($45-75) that would command triple the price in major US cities. These dining experiences combine fresh local ingredients with presentation worthy of food magazine covers – without requiring a second mortgage to foot the bill.

Proper tequila education awaits at Tequila Don Tommy, where $15-25 guided tastings reveal that Mexico’s signature spirit should be sipped thoughtfully, not shot rapidly followed by face-contorting lime sucking. You’ll learn to appreciate the difference between mixto (the headache factory found in most bars) and 100% agave expressions that sip as smoothly as fine whiskey.

For casual dining with variety, the Malecon Food Park gathers gourmet food trucks serving everything from traditional Mexican to Asian fusion ($5-12 per meal). It’s perfect for budget-conscious travelers seeking quality without formality – essentially fine dining without the ironed tablecloths or judgmental waiters.

Where to Rest Your Sunburned Body

Accommodation options span from beachfront all-inclusives (Hyatt Ziva at $350-500/night) to charming boutique hotels in Zona Romántica (Hotel Posada de Roger at $75-120/night) and vacation rentals with ocean views ($100-300/night depending on size and location). The choice really depends on whether you prefer staff remembering your name or nobody knowing how late you stumbled in.

Neighborhood selection matters: the Hotel Zone offers convenience but all the Mexican authenticity of a Taco Bell; Zona Romántica charms with character but challenges your cardio fitness with steep hills; Marina Vallarta provides quieter surroundings with golf course access; and Nuevo Vallarta offers newer developments that feel removed from the city’s core – because they literally are.

Consider shoulder season visits (May-June or October-November) when room rates drop 30-40% but weather remains pleasant at 75-85F. You’ll still need sunscreen, but you won’t need reservations or tolerance for crowds whose vacation volume settings seem permanently stuck at “cruise ship party deck.”

Resort wristbands function as unusual status symbols, with color-coding that reveals your accommodation choices to everyone you meet. The psychology of all-inclusive dining also warrants mention – otherwise rational adults suddenly consuming four desserts simply because they’re included, like participants in a strange sugar-based scientific experiment.

Getting Around Without Losing Your Mind

Transportation options include airport taxis ($25-35 fixed rates), local “white taxis” ($3-10 within town), Uber (available but treated by taxi unions with the enthusiasm usually reserved for head lice), and the reliable blue bus system (about 50 cents per ride). The buses lack amenities like announcements or predictable schedules but compensate with unbeatable pricing and cultural immersion opportunities.

Walking remains viable in central areas but requires appropriate footwear – Puerto Vallarta’s cobblestone streets are what podiatrists’ nightmares are made of. The combination of hills, uneven surfaces, and tropical heat turns simple strolls into sweat-generating workouts that burn off at least one taco per mile.

Day trips worth considering include San Sebastián del Oeste, a colonial mining town at 4,500ft elevation that maintains its 18th-century character, and Sayulita, a surfer town an hour north that combines bohemian vibes with waves suitable for beginners. Transportation to either costs $30-50 by taxi or significantly less by public bus if you’re feeling adventurous and time-flexible.

Rental cars provide flexibility but require mandatory Mexican insurance and adjustment to local driving customs, where stop signs function more as gentle suggestions than legal requirements. Consider this option only if your blood pressure medication is current and your sense of adventure exceeds your sense of self-preservation.