Margaritas and Mariachis: Best Things to Do in Puerto Vallarta Without Getting Sunburned (Though You Probably Will)

The Absolutely Essential Best Things to Do in Puerto Vallarta (Unless You Hate Fun)

Attempting to narrow down the best things to do in Puerto Vallarta is like trying to pick a favorite child—theoretically possible but likely to cause arguments. Nevertheless, some experiences rise above the tourist fray, providing that perfect blend of memory-making and Instagram-worthiness that vacation dreams are made of.

Beachfront Bliss Without the Cancun Crowds

Puerto Vallarta’s beaches offer personality types as varied as contestants on a reality dating show. Los Muertos Beach—despite its morbid name meaning “Beach of the Dead”—pulses with life as the see-and-be-seen social hub where beach vendors, mariachi bands, and tourists in varying stages of sunburn create a carnival atmosphere. The people-watching here ranks somewhere between “Broadway sidewalk” and “Florida Walmart at 2 AM” on the entertainment scale.

For those seeking tranquility with a side of geological interest, Conchas Chinas (literally “Chinese Shells”) offers natural rock formations creating small, protected pools perfect for timid swimmers or those nursing hangovers from last night’s tequila research. Mismaloya Beach, where Burton and Taylor’s cinematic indiscretion put Puerto Vallarta on the map, provides a historical backdrop for your own vacation drama, minus the paparazzi.

The insider secret that tour books won’t tell you: most beachfront hotels offer day passes ranging from $10-15 that include lounge chairs, umbrellas, and sometimes food/drink credits. This beats paying $20 to rent a single chair from beach vendors who’ll appear the moment your towel touches sand. And unlike San Diego’s frigid Pacific, the water here maintains a bathtub-warm 80-85F year-round, making swimming less of a polar bear challenge and more of an actual pleasure.

The Malecón: Where Sculptures Meet Selfie Sticks

The Malecón, Puerto Vallarta’s mile-long oceanfront promenade, serves as the city’s central artery where art, commerce, and excessive drinking flow together in perfect harmony. This pedestrian walkway features public sculptures that range from profound artistic statements to convenient photo props for tourists pretending to climb bronze dolphins. The iconic “Boy on the Seahorse” has become the unofficial mascot of the city, though locals joke he’s really just looking for an exit from the selfie crossfire.

Every evening at 6 PM, the Voladores (Flying Men) perform their death-defying ritual, spinning upside-down from a 30-foot pole. The performance began as an ancient religious ceremony but continues today as a way to terrify tourists who suddenly appreciate their safe desk jobs. The Malecón transforms throughout the day like a municipal mood ring—family-friendly by morning, shopping hub by afternoon, and club scene by night.

Restaurant quality along this stretch varies wildly, from tourist traps to legitimate culinary experiences. La Chata offers solid Mexican classics ($10-15 per main) while El Andariego serves seafood with bay views ($15-25). For special occasions, Café des Artistes transforms local ingredients into artistic plates that justify their $40-60 price tags. The best things to do in Puerto Vallarta often involve timing—visit the Malecón during golden hour (6:30-7:30 PM) when the sun turns everything the color of tequila and the temperatures drop from “sweltering” to “pleasantly warm.”

Zona Romántica: The Gay-Friendly Heart of Puerto Vallarta

Imagine Palm Springs relocated to a cobblestone Mexican fishing village, add stronger cocktails and better street food, and you’ve approximated Zona Romántica. This neighborhood serves as Mexico’s premier LGBTQ+ destination while welcoming everyone with equal enthusiasm. The narrow streets lined with boutiques, restaurants, and bars create an atmosphere that’s simultaneously cosmopolitan and quaint.

On Saturdays, Lazaro Cardenas Park hosts a farmers market (9 AM-2 PM) where 80+ vendors sell everything from organic produce to artisanal cheeses to jewelry made from repurposed silverware. This represents shopping as anthropological experience rather than mere commerce. For taco aficionados—which should include everyone with functioning taste buds—Pancho’s Takos serves al pastor carved from a traditional trompo (vertical spit), Tacos El Cunado stays open late for post-drinking sustenance, and Marisma Fish Taco offers seafood versions for a mere $1.50-2 each.

Nightlife here ranges from relaxed to frenetic. Mantamar Beach Club offers day passes ($40 with $25 food/drink credit) for poolside people-watching, Mr. Flamingo serves as the neighborhood’s dance hub, and La Noche presents drag shows that blend American polish with Mexican irreverence. The best things to do in Puerto Vallarta’s Zona Romántica often involve simply wandering without agenda, letting the neighborhood reveal its charms organically—like a first date where you actually enjoy the conversation.

Food Adventures Beyond Tacos

While it’s tempting to measure your vacation in tacos consumed (a valid metric), Puerto Vallarta’s culinary landscape extends far beyond folded tortillas. Food tours offer structured gluttony for the indecisive; Vallarta Food Tours ($49 for 3 hours, 7+ tastings) and Mex-ology Tequila Tour ($65) provide guided introductions to local specialties with historical context. This is education you can eat.

The Mercado Municipal Rio Cuale represents democracy in dining—this central market offers produce, spices, and home-cooked meals where $5 buys enough food to challenge your waistband. For hands-on learners, cooking classes at Gaby’s Restaurant ($75 including market tour) or Cookin’ Vallarta ($85 with boat trip to fishing village) send you home with skills more useful than the typical souvenir shot glass.

Regional specialties worth seeking include pescado zarandeado (grilled fish marinated in chile-achiote paste), birria (slow-cooked goat stew that makes hangovers retreat in fear), and raicilla (a local spirit similar to mezcal but with even more personality). A word of caution about those innocent-looking margaritas: Mexican versions contain approximately triple the tequila of their American counterparts, leading unwary tourists to discover dance moves they didn’t know they possessed.

Island and Coastal Escapes

When mainland pleasures grow familiar, the waters surrounding Puerto Vallarta offer aquatic adventures for every comfort level. Las Caletas, a private beach accessible only by boat, provides a full-day experience ($139) including food, drinks, and activities ranging from snorkeling to cooking classes. Once owned by film director John Huston, it maintains a celebrity-hideaway vibe without the actual celebrities.

The Marietas Islands, about 90 minutes offshore, house the famous “Hidden Beach”—a crater with an ocean entrance that looks like nature’s attempt at architectural whimsy. Environmental protection limits visitors to 116 daily ($80-110 for tours), making advance booking essential. This is exclusivity through ecological regulation rather than price point.

Yelapa, a fishing village accessible only by boat ($40-55 round-trip), offers a glimpse of coastal life before tourism became the dominant industry. A 30-minute hike leads to a 150-foot waterfall where the reward-to-effort ratio tilts pleasingly in your favor. From December through March, whale watching tours ($50-95) boast a 90% success rate for humpback sightings. The experience ranges from National Geographic-worthy to motion sickness-inducing, depending on sea conditions and your inner ear’s cooperation.

Cultural Experiences Worth Your Pesos

While beaches attract the crowds, Puerto Vallarta’s cultural offerings provide deeper connection to place. The Xiutla Folkloric Ballet ($35) showcases indigenous and traditional Mexican dances every Friday, offering entertainment more culturally significant than watching sunburned tourists attempt salsa dancing at beach clubs. The Parroquia de Nuestra Señora de Guadalupe church stands as the city’s architectural crown jewel, particularly during the 12-day Feast of Guadalupe celebration (December 1-12) when processions and performances transform downtown.

Río Cuale Island houses local art galleries and the small but informative Naval Museum (free entry), while Wednesday evening art walks (October-May) turn gallery hopping into social events across 15+ venues in Centro and Zona Romántica. It’s worth noting that many “authentic” Mexican souvenirs proudly display “Hecho en China” labels when examined closely—proving globalization respects neither borders nor cultural authenticity.

Adventure Activities for the Sunburn-Resistant

For those who consider relaxation overrated, Puerto Vallarta’s mountainous backdrop provides vertical thrills. Canopy tours ($89-125) send participants flying through Sierra Madre treetops on some of Mexico’s longest and fastest ziplines. Nothing reveals your true nature like being suspended 500 feet above ground—friends quickly divide into adrenaline junkies and those quietly questioning their life choices.

ATV mountain tours ($75-95) combine village visits with tequila tastings, creating the questionable pairing of motor vehicles and alcohol samples. The Sierra Madre offers hiking options ranging from gentle nature walks to the challenging El Nogalito trail (4 hours, moderate difficulty), while Los Arcos Marine Park provides underwater exploration with 75+ species of tropical fish ($45-85 for guided experiences).

These activities inevitably reveal the true physical condition of the average American tourist, as evidenced by the post-adventure hobbling visible throughout hotel lobbies each evening. The best things to do in Puerto Vallarta often involve weighing your adventure aspirations against your actual fitness level—a calculation many visitors get spectacularly wrong.

Where to Rest Your Sunburned Self

Accommodation options span from ultra-luxury to backpacker-basic, with corresponding price tags. Grand Velas Riviera Nayarit (all-inclusive from $650/night) and Casa Kimberly (Elizabeth Taylor’s former home, $350-800/night) cater to those whose credit cards don’t flinch at four-figure statements. Mid-range options like Hacienda San Angel ($225-375) and Hotel Posada de Roger ($65-110) offer character without requiring mortgage-equivalent payments.

Budget travelers find sanctuary at Hostel Vallarta ($25-35 dorm beds) or Airbnbs in the Fluvial area ($50-80/night). Each neighborhood offers distinct advantages: Hotel Zone for package tourists who value predictability, Zona Romántica for nightlife seekers, and Conchas Chinas for privacy enthusiasts. The amusing inverse relationship between hotel price and Wi-Fi reliability seems universal—five-star properties often offer internet connections reminiscent of 1998 dial-up, while humble hostels provide bandwidth sufficient for impromptu Netflix marathons.